I always wanted to get married and have children. Three to be exact. I pictured it to be like me and my sister’s; born about 2 years apart. We always had someone to play with and never really needed anyone else. When 2 of us were arguing, the third one mediated the situation. We are best friends and sometimes people wonder why and how.

 Well I got married and soon after pregnant with my first and only child. My beautiful and amazing daughter. The love of my life. She is the most precious yet one hell of a spoiled brat. It doesn’t make me love her any less, but does make me wonder, how in the world did my mother deal with 3 of us?! 

 Yes, there are somethings that differ with me and my mom. She stayed home to take care of us while I am at work for a majority of the day on weekdays. However, I feel that the biggest difference is the time and culture we grew up in. My mom grew up like a traditional Desi woman where you got married in your late teens or early twenties and start having kids almost right after. Growing up as an ABCD, I had more freedom, education was a priority and “marriage age” was a bit later. I always pictured me living the traditional life, but right after getting married and having my first child, I realized it was not for me.

I constantly struggle with whether or not I want another kid. One month it’s all I want more than anything and the next second I realize I’m enjoying my life just the way it is and don’t want things getting shaken up with a baby. I don’t know how I can deal with 2 little kids at once. Then I feel selfish because I remember how much I loved having siblings and wanting that for my daughter. I think I’ll just leave it up to nature to either happen or not as I can no longer deal with this mental struggle I go through constantly. My mother is definitely one amazing and strong woman to have had dealt with 3 of us. I may not end up the way I thought I was, but this is how it is and I’ll be happy either way.

From The Mixed Up Files Of An

American Born Confused Desi