Somewhere along the way of life’s trials and tribulations I have come to believe myself to be a fighter not a lover. I was so used to fighting my way whether it was assertively, passive aggressive or even subtlety.
I remember the first time I felt the need to stand up for myself or so I thought. I was running for Class President in HS against a guy I didn’t really know from any classes but heard of his overly arrogant behavior. Anyway, I heard he said some stuff about me and I just had to go confront him. Imagine a 5’2 barely 100 lbs just waiting outside his classroom for him to get out. See the thing is, I couldn’t have someone tar my reputation. I wasn’t scared. I didn’t understand fear back then. So he basically ended up finding it hot and instead of being Election enemies we managed to become semi friends.
Family was not immune to my high moral standards. I believe that the people you associate yourself with are a representation of you. In order to protect my friend from being verbally bullied by my own cousin I decided to threaten him back. I was very young and immature and that was the only way I could think of to get him to stop. I would approach things a little differently now.
Yet, another time I decided to argue with our tenant because he was saying bad things about African Americans. I don’t even know what was coming out of my mouth at the time, but he had to understand that I would not sit silent. He ended up moving out and my dad lost a bit of money (and he never even said anything.. what could he? But that’s another story)
See, I used to think that things like that made me a fighter. It was the belief I had about myself. That maybe I’m a bitch. I heard that word too many times growing up when people didn’t agree. I had to realize that it was a projection of his or her own issues.
Oh, how the way my thinking has changed… I’m not a fighter, I’m a lover. All those things were done out of love however misguided by my youthful ways. Love of self, love of my family and friends and love of the human race. I’m a lover. I have so much love to give because I genuinely care about people. That also means I’ll fight for you and me.