“Do You Want to be a Liar?”

This is the question my mom first asked me when I told her I wanted to be a lawyer. As opposed to you know being the most aspirational career of all- being a doctor. 

See the thing is, I knew full well that any career in the healthcare field was not for me. I can’t even manage not to pass out when that needle comes near me. In fact, there have many a moments when a few people would have to hold me down just to get a vial of blood. My fight or flight reflex is way too strong and I was not about that life. I knew it to my core. I wanted no place in there. That I was sure of.

What I did enjoy was the legal field. I used to spend hours marathoning through Law & Order. My friends called me Ally McBeal. Moot court was my favorite activity in high school. I spent my summers at the court house with my dad’s friend just sitting in the trial rooms.

 I was fierce and I knew it. I didn’t like to speak until I already had everything figured out, always two steps ahead. There is so much thought behind everything I say. So very rarely will you prove me otherwise. I tend to get more apologizes than rebuttals. I thought I was cool as shit. I was so good that I even killed the aspirations of another aspiring attorney. After I beat him in a fake court case he told me that he didn’t think he could make it in that career with people like me. He started thinking maybe he needed to pick another major in college the following year. . I think he went finance.. 

 I thought I had my career figured out. I was so convinced. My parents were also convinced. In fact, they told every other aunty and uncle about my aspirations. Talk about pressure.

Truth is, I never even considered any other career paths. I knew it had to be a noble profession. No other considerations were made. This in itself, sent me on a lifelong journey figuring myself out.

But, did I mention how much I thought I wanted to be a lawyer? I breezed through and aced through the practice LSAT tests.  

But that pesky little question kept coming up… “Do you want to be a liar?” 

 The one I originally rebutted by arguing my way into support. Now it echoes at the back of my mind over and over again. Enrollment into my future career as the next big defense attorney. Using my debating skills and winning all sorts of battles. Battles against my own parents in regard to my own views regarding religion, where I should be going to school and what I wanted to do always. Now it’s kicking me in my ass. 

See, I always think my way through things. When I make a decision. I need to be sure. Down to my core. I need it to be right. I need to feel right. And after so much thinking, I wondered could I be a liar? Could I know the secrets of a potential criminal and keep it to myself out of some client attorney privilege? I considered my moral integrity. I’m a damn good secret keeper but I can’t and don’t associate with those I don’t agree with. I am my company. I am what I do. My actions dictate me. 

Am I a liar? Could I lie or omit information? Can I spin things to work for me? Maybe. … but could I be a lawyer? Maybe not.